A“I find that a dose of LSD,” Dr. Evil said, “can really chill you out. You’ll learn a lot about yourself if you confront your anima. Yep. You can really defang that noumena. Mhm.”
“You said LSD had nothing to do with our mission,” Dick Land said. “Riiight. That’s true. Well, still we have to bond, don’t we?” “It makes sense to me.” Dick gave everyone a single tab of acid. “I need a second,” Dr. Evil said. “My tolerance for this stuff is so frickin’ high. I’m practically immune because of what the Dutch did to me.” “What’s that?” Steven Sexhalf said, leaning forward with greedy eyes. “The Dutch frickin’ MK Ultra’d me.” “That’s interesting, say more on that,” Bathroom Fuller said. “How about no!” Dr. Evil yelled. He took his second tab of acid and put both doses on his tongue. “Alright, I don’t want to hear a frickin’ peep out of any of you until we start tripping.” “Right, so that the trip–“ “Zip it!” Dr. Evil said. Forty-five minutes passed. “Oh man. I’m starting to see interesting shapes,” he said. “What do you see?” Dick asked. “I see a spiral.” “I see it too,” Dick said. “It’s memetic.” “It’s the sixties,” Dr. Evil said. He started shaking in fear. “That spiral is the sixties! Get it away from me!” Dr. Evil swatted the air with his hands and in the process hit Steven in the face. “It’s okay, Dougie,” Dick said. He put his hand on Dr. Evil’s crossed hands. “There’s nothing to be afraid of.” “Why the frickin’ hell should I listen to you!” Dr. Evil asked. “You know how to beat it.” The two looked at each other calmly. Dr. Evil saw Dick’s features for the first time, for the first time paid attention to the way that he looked. Dick was a stocky man with black hair. His face was thin, his eyes green. He looked like an old movie star, a man who’d star in a picture show about a singing cowboy. Dr. Evil saw and orange bloom around his head. There were flowers which sprouted like roses and folded out into the shapes of lotuses. Dick melted into these flowers, became one of these flowers. “You know how to beat it, Dougie. Don’t you?” “I don’t know anymore,” Dougie said. “I don’t know if I can. It’s been sixty years. I’m an old fart.” He noticed then that he was crying. “Oh. That’s weird. I’m crying. I never cry.” “You cried in Austinpussy,” Steven said. “What’s that?” “In that movie. I saw you cry.” “That was Kevin Spacey. That wasn’t even me.” “Oh,” Steven said. He looked at him confused. “I could have sworn you were in a movie.” Dr. Evil saw himself as a shadow. The sun rose before him, and he grew longer, stretched himself back on the cracked rocks of the world. When he opened his eyes, he saw a man standing above him. Their feet were touching, so that the soles of Dr. Evil’s feet touched the back of this man’s shins. “Who are you?” Dougie yelled. The man turned around. It was Kevin Spacey. “It’s just a bad trip,” Dick said. His voice came from a burning bush nearby. “Nothing to worry about, Dougie, it’s all gonna be okay.” “Oh, man,” Anna said. She started flicking her wrists up and down. “This is freaking me the fuck out.” “Calm down,” Dick said. “I’m so frickin’ agitated,” Dr. Evil said. “I feel like a frickin’ mole. Yeah, that’s right, I’m a mole. I’m digging through tunnels but I’m still so frickin’ blind.” “The earth is a tunnel. We speak of being in the earth as if the earth is something you can be inside while outside,” Steven said. “I’m inside of it now,” Dougie said. “What do you see?” Dick asked. “I’m seeing bones, bones going twenty or thirty feet down.” “The fossil record was important for understanding consciousness in early psychological research. Maybe you’re going deeper into your own mind, into your subconscious.” “Why’s it look so dusty? Oh gosh, I’m so old.” “The subconscious was there before you were,” Dick said. “What do you see, Dougie?” “I see dirt. I see triangles that fold to lines. There’s a geometrical inconsistency here. I see Scott. Oh God, I see Scott. But he’s just a young boy. He’s a young boy when I wasn’t there for him. Oh, Scott!” Dr. Evil stood up and reached his arms out. “Hug me. A hug! That’s all I want, Scott. One frickin’ hug! I want your love, my boy. That’s all I ever wanted. My son, my son Scott Evil. But I wasn’t there for him. I was in a frickin’ cryogenic tube. I wasn’t there for him when he needed me. When he was a boy.” “All kids deserve a racial birthright,” Dick said. Dr. Evil didn’t hear him. He was in a world of his own. He saw nothing but dirt and darkness as he walked about. He was no longer a mole, now he was a worm. All he could do was eat dirt and shit dirt out. “My son, my son. Where are you?” Dr. Evil started walking around the room with his eyes closed. He cried so hard he started to cough. He slammed into walls with his arms out like a mummy. Finally, he collapsed on the floor. “Where are you, Scott? Where are you?”
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